Over the Rainbow

11 05 2012

I usually believe that things do work out exactly the way they are supposed to. I mean, I do believe this in the core of who I am, but I said “usually” because when I am in the middle of something difficult I often forget that I actually believe this. Looking back though – I can usually see how it was true.

So, yesterday I left you with the hubby and I crying into our pillows. The next morning we were setting off on a trip to Glacier National Park. My favorite place in the ENTIRE universe – but I better not get going on that or we will never get to the end of this story! Now, keep in mind, that my now outed bisexual kid – had no idea he had been outed! So, we got up and got busy getting ready to leave and continued to pretend nothing had changed. I look back now and I realize that the truth is – nothing had actually changed at all. My head was just out of the sand – but he hadn’t changed. He was the same stubborn, lovable, ornery kid he had always been. I just hadn’t realized that yet.

I mentioned things working out the way they are supposed to because the now outed, but not knowing he was outed kid, was being dropped off at Piano Camp for the week we went to Glacier. So, we really only had to not say anything about this new revelation for a few hours. One of our other kids brought two friends with her – two friends who had never been to Glacier I might add. And people talk about homosexuality being a sin – NEVER going to Glacier – now that is a REAL sin in my book! 😀 (told you I am a bit partial to that place)

That next five days were a blast. I would be lying if I didn’t tell you though that at quiet moments  – sitting alone by the running river, watching the campfire late at night, laying in my sleeping bag when everything was dark – in those quiet moments the tears would come. They came from a deep place in my soul. I can not even explain to this day why it was a grieving process for me. It was like nothing had changed, but everything was different. I had never really considered myself an overprotective parent, but I suddenly felt this deep need to protect my son. I think maybe that was part of the grief for me. Knowing that this was something that would make his life harder, and as adults we know how hard life is already. I thought of all the stories I had ever heard of people being dragged behind a vehicle, beaten, killed all because of their sexuality. Even right now if I just picture my sweet boy’s face and think of someone abusing him in that way it rips at my heart. It is unthinkable.

I do not know how to explain what happens to my soul when I spend time in Glacier. It is like my perspective is all in balance. All I can tell you is that when those five days were over – and I cried as we left the Park, as I do every summer when we drive off, I had found my resolve. I would figure this thing out. I would find out first of all what bisexuality was all about. I would NOT stick my head in the sand and let that fear in my gut debilitate me. I was ready to face it all head on. I also realized that my son was worth it all. Worth whatever was ahead for us. One thing I did know – we would face it together and he would feel alone no longer. He would know we were there for him no matter what. He would know that NOTHING could ever cause me to not love and support him. NOTHING

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