Regret

18 05 2012

I knew my son was bisexual. My son knew he was bisexual. The only thing was that my son didn’t know that I knew. So, a few weeks went by as I processed things, did research, told him a million times a day I loved him, but he still never said a word. I dropped a couple of general hints such as, “you know you can always tell me anything”… etc… Still no coming out. So, I waited a week longer.

If you know me very well then you would know that I do not wait well. I am not a patient woman. This is one reason I can not do my Christmas shopping months ahead like some people. I can’t stand it – I will just find an excuse to give you your present early. I don’t wait well. Especially with a very large secret like this!! Besides, I had been reading all the books and websites, I was now ready to do and say all the right things! HA

So, “the conversation” went down something like this. He and I were alone in the car. I parked and said, “don’t get out, I want to ask you something.” That probably was a very smooth way to handle it – NOT! Trap the kid in the car with me and refuse to let him out. Me: “I have a question.” He: “OK.” Me: “Do you like girls?” He: “yes.” Me: ” well, do you like guys?” He: (laughing) “Yes.” Me: “OK then.” oh and I am sure I threw in an “I love you” just for good measure.

I would like to report that it was some earth shattering moment, but it was really quite simple. I truly appreciated his honesty and patience in the moment. I will tell you that it wasn’t much different from many other conversations we had over his 17 years. It was straight forward and simple. It will tell you that it did feel nice having it out in the open and him knowing that I knew. More conversations came after that moment – more in-depth discussion on both of our parts.

My biggest source of pain surrounding it all was the fact that he had felt the need to keep it from me. I had felt that he didn’t trust my love enough to know that I would be able to love him anyway. I have carried that pain for almost two years now. It was only in the past few weeks he explained to me that he had done a lot of research and things he read on the web said not to come out until you were able to live on your own or had a safe place to go if the “coming out” was not received well. I took a big sigh of relief about that! It wasn’t that he didn’t trust my love enough – well, not totally, it was also due to some advice that didn’t apply here. He just didn’t know that, unfortunately. At this moment, I wish I could take back all the years we went to a church that condemned the person he was. He knew he was queer at a very young age and can still remember sitting in the pew and thinking “they are talking about me” when homosexuality was preached on. I also wish I could take back all the years I was ignorant and voiced my beliefs about queerness being a choice and a sin. Man oh man talk about regret.

The truth is – I can not go back and change all those years. I have asked his forgiveness and he has forgiven me. I promise you this though – I will spend the rest of my days trying to make up for it. I will hug every kid who has ever been told there is something wrong with them by some one else’s standards. I will try my very hardest to stop judging ANYone for ANY reason and to just love people. I am not sure why God saw fit to grace my life with this precious boy as my only son. I will forever be grateful that He trusted me enough to let me have him as my kid! I will also continue to remind him how much I love him every single day.

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4 responses

18 05 2012
Cynthia Troendle

Your postings are beautiful Michele. I read them in reverse order, which seemed to make them even more poignant. I laughed, and I teared up a bit too. It seems I can’t let someone cry alone, even two summers past! I wish I had known what you were going through before you left for Glacier. I think I could have reassured you a bit, reminded you it’s not who we love, but how much we love. God bless you. I hope your blog reaches a lot of parents in need.

21 05 2012
michelesmusings

you are so sweet Cindy. Thanks for the kind words. thanks for crying and laughing with me! HUGS

25 05 2012
switching teams

You write very well. I didn’t come out until my 40s and after a marriage and two children. I grew up in a time when it wasn’t discussed and I never even considered it. I wonder sometimes, if I had grown up during the last 10 years if I would have realized I was gay sooner. My family has been wonderful and both my boys have accepted my partner as their stepmom. Talk about being worried about telling someone, my oldest was the hardest but he has been very cool with it. Great blog. keep writing.I also read them in reverse order.

26 05 2012
michelesmusings

thank you so much. I think you must be very brave!! so glad your family is supportive!

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