Reconnection

22 05 2012

I think there is a dynamic between a son and father that I do not fully understand. If I was a man I could probably explain this better, but I am a female so too bad for you! HA! All I know is that in movies, as young men grow older, they seem to want and maybe even need the affirmation of their father. I suppose that must be true in real life, maybe some of you fathers and sons who read this can comment and tell us if it was true for you?

Growing up, my son always prefered to hang out at home with me than to go do things with his Dad. I can still remember the day he was four years old and chose to go on an errand with his dad. My husband was thrilled! It was a rare occasion though. They just have very different personalities. My husband loves to fish and hunt, my son doesn’t like to see anything killed. My husband loves to build things, work on cars, etc… My son likes symphonies and art.

My husband tried things through the years. I remember a conversation when my son was in his early teens and my husband said, “I just can’t find a way to connect with him. If we could connect, I think we could get to know each other.” They ended up doing Aikido for a year and they both really did love it. The truth is, they were not very close.

When my son and I finally had our conversation and he found out that we knew he was bisexual, his first words were – “Does Dad know too?” I said he did and he was ok with it. Later that day, my son and I were sitting in the living room and my husband came in. I  told him that Jake was now aware that we knew. My husband immediately went to our son and wrapped his arms around him and said, “You are my son and I love you. Period.” I wish there were words to describe the expression on my son’s face – relief doesn’t seem adequate. It was a look of someone who has worried about something for a very long time and they now realize their worst fears will not come true.

I love what has happened with these two men who I love so much. They now have a relationship that my husband always dreamed of. They are closer than they have ever been and there is a level of trust there that wasn’t present before. I think to know we are truly loved by our parents no matter what must be an amazing feeling. My heart breaks for the kids whose parents do not accept them due to their sexuality. I hear these sad stories all the time. I just do not understand as a parent how you could not love your child any longer. Maybe they never learned that being a parent is not about us. It is about putting ourselves aside and putting our children first – no questions asked.

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone

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2 responses

24 05 2012
Jake M

I came out to my parents when I was 17 and am now 19 as well so maybe I can help you understand a little bit the dynamic between a father and a son.

Let me state that I’m gay to start out. And I grew up with a dad very much like your husband sounds: a real man’s man and I was the more cultured one of the two of us in my case. I loved reading, art, and music.

I knew I was “different” in sixth grade. So starting in sixth grade I started distancing myself my dad. Dads tend to have a habit to push girls on their sons even if they don’t see themselves doing it, at least mine did. So it made it a little awkward to spend extended periods of time with my father. So not only did our personalities differ, our “tastes” differed. I’m not saying that’s the case with your husband and son because everyone is different, but that’s how I see it.

Most sons want to be approved of by their dad. They are supposed to be their gender role model so when they start to feel different, we sons tend to push away in a sort of denial at times. If we aren’t around the manly men we take our fathers to be, we can sort of deny that we’re so different.

On a side note, I feel like my mom is writing this blog. Her and I are extremely close as you and your son seem, and I have never dated.

24 05 2012
michelesmusings

and your name is Jake?!! that is my sons name! what are you my son?!! LOL – just kidding. Love hearing your perspective. I look forward to the day without all the gender roles affecting our society. Wouldn’t it be nice if parents didn’t all just assume our kids are straight and let them grow into the person they really are from the beginning? Thank you so much for sharing!!

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