Apology

26 05 2012

I don’t like to really go back and think about what a judgemental person I used to be. I am embarrassed. No, I am really ashamed. As a general rule, I don’t like people to shame themselves. It is not usually healthy in most cases. In the case of my previous judgement of people, I think shame is in order. I think I have pretty much forgiven myself at this point, but I never want to ever forget, in hopes that I will never go back to being that person again.

Let me clarify, I have never intentionally been a mean or horrible person. I remember even as a child that it really bothered me when I heard people say racist things. I did not understand then, or now, how people could think themselves better than someone else for any reason. Well, except when it came to homosexuality. There is my shame. I actually didn’t know any gay people growing up. I met my first gay person in my 20’s. I am sure had met some before, but no one who was openly gay. I cleaned his teeth at work and he was a hoot. He always made me laugh – but somehow I still kept him separate from “those gays”. I actually believed homosexuality was a perverted thing. There, I said it. Actually I typed it on the internet – so it will be here forever. I am not sure how I feel about it. In one way it is freeing to have it out in the open, yet I now have so many friends that are LGBT and are so dear to me. I feel ashamed as well.

I think back and try to figure out why I felt so strongly about it. It is an easy out to blame my upbringing and the church I attended. I was told my whole life that it was “unnatural” and a sin. I guess I am not sure at what point I take responsibility for my own actions and thoughts? I think as soon as I was an older teen. I mean at that point we start forming our own conclusions about things and begin developing our own ideas about life, not just what our parents think, but what we think. I feel so sad now for all the years I condemned people because of their sexuality. It was less than 5 years ago that I found out a friend was bisexual and I remember feeling disgust. I was so ignorant. I never even considered for one minute that they could be born who they are.

I now know without a doubt people are born with their sexuality – gay, straight, bisexual. I won’t even get into transgender right now – but I can not imagine feeling trapped inside the wrong gendered body for years! They are some of the bravest people I know.

The entire point of this blog is to apologize. I would like to apologize for my past prejudice and behavior. How do I do that though? Words seem so inadequate. Honestly, they are not enough, but they are all I have. If you are LGBT or any other letter – I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for my judgement and hate. I promise you to love you all with my whole heart and my whole being for the rest of my days. I also promise to fight for you, to speak out even when I am scared, and to try with all I am to educate people who are in the place I used to be and to share my story. It is a small thing – but it is all I can offer in trying to make up for the years of hurt I caused. I now ask the impossible of you – can you please forgive me?

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3 responses

26 05 2012
Josiah Thompson

My name is Josiah, recently I found a link to this blog on facebook, under the Bisexuality is Real page. I just recently came out to my parents and I can relate with all your son went through, except for the acceptance part. My parents are very adherent to the antiquated philosophies of the darker times. However, I thank you for sharing your story, I’ve read every part of this blog so far and I find it refreshing and interesting. If you want to know more about my experience as a bisexual male in an extremely conservative environment just e-mail me, I believe my email is included in the information presented as part of the comment.

Thank you.

26 05 2012
michelesmusings

Hi Josiah! I am sorry about your folks. It is so sad to me how we let society put us in a position where we have to choose. I would love to talk to you more…I don’t see your email, but things are sometimes weird on my kindle. Email me and then I will have yours for sure!! Hugs!! mgrabbe1008@msn.com

29 05 2012
Kyndra

Michele, it absolutely warms my heart and fills me with hope to know your story and to know you. It is nice to know that lurking inside every person who is currently judgmental against gays (or some other marginalized class) there is a potential you. Don’t sell yourself short, what you are doing takes even more guts and will than being an out gblt person because you actually have to choose to surrender privilege in order to be the kind of ally you are; not for the benefit of yourself, but for others. That is what I was taught that it means to be a Christian and you are certainly walkin’ the walk sister! I hear that you even love and accept your atheist friends 😉

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