I am a hypocrite Part II

8 05 2013

This is a harder post to write than the last one. I have felt I should write this one for a while, but keep putting it off. Looks like today is the day to face it. I don’t know how you will feel about me after you read this.

Many years back, before my own son had come out, and while I was still in a place of not understanding same-sex attraction at all, I had a call from a friend. She had spent some time with a mutual friend of ours. During their visit, our friend had opened up and revealed to her that she is bisexual. I can still remember the moment my friend shared this taboo secret with me, my heart skipped a beat, I broke out into a sweat. I went to a really weird place. All of these years later, I really don’t understand my reaction. Maybe now, now that I know so much more about sexuality, I understand it even less. Fear – it was fear that suddenly gripped me.

I wish I knew what I was afraid of. This friend had talked of visiting me, and my mind immediately when to a place of coming up with reasons why the visit would not work. See, this is where I am confused. This is a common reaction with straight people, and I was obviously no exception. Why do we think people who are not straight are sexually different from ourselves. The assumption is often made that they will want to sleep with anyone and everyone. As I sit here and think of all of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people who I now call my friends – this assumption is laughable and absurd. Sex is the same for them. It is not what they devote their entire life to, no different from a straight person. Sex is just a part of the equation, not the whole relationship.

I wish I could tell you that I loved my friend the same and began trying to understand what this “bisexual” word meant. I did not. I unfriended her on Facebook, and separated myself from her completely. Yes – I am THAT person. The bigot, the hypocrite, the “better than you” straight person.

Do you believe in Karma? Well, believe it or not. it was about 6 months after this that my own son would come out as bisexual. Who do you think I refriended and went to for advice and help? Yes – my friend who I had turned my back on just a few short months prior to this. You know what my friend did? She forgave me, and loved me anyway. Even though I did not show her unconditional love in my ignorance, she didn’t hesitate to receive me back into her life. We have had several conversations since then, and honestly, as much as I should release myself from the guilt, it still remains. I don’t beat myself up about it everyday – but in some ways I always want to remember. Now, when I am treated badly for taking a stand for LGBTQ friends and family, I remember that was me not too very long ago who was doing the judging. Life has a funny way of coming back around.

I wanted to write this blog because I don’t want to come across as someone who is all loving. I try to be, but I considered myself a loving person back then too. I have come a long way, but I am sure that I still have a ways to go. I have not always been open and accepting of the LGBTQ community. I ask your forgiveness and also ask that you remember this story when someone turns their back on you. It isn’t over until the fat lady sings – and I am singing now baby!!!

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4 responses

9 05 2013
gabbigalegoober

This is something I struggle with too. Whenever anyone comes out, we need to realize that whomever we tell may need their own time to deal with or process the news. We’ve known about our sexuality for awhile before we decide to “break the news.” Time may not always be enough for people to accept who someone is. Clearly you weren’t ready to hear about your friend. You needed the time to understand what was happening. I forgive you! Don’t beat yourself up for taking your time to come to terms with it!

4 06 2013
rainbowicecream

good points Gabbi – I tend to beat myself up before anyone else gets a chance. thanks

17 05 2013
Rachel

You are a precious soul, Michele. I really want you to forgive yourself and look at how open you are now and how your heart has, by God’s grace, undergone such a beautiful transformation. The truth truly does set us free. Love you, friend. Thank you for always sharing your heart. We are all on a journey that is uniquely our own. I love being a part of yours. 🙂

4 06 2013
rainbowicecream

thanks Rachel. I have the hardest time forgiving myself of things. I will though. I promise. starting today!

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