Crisis of Faith

4 11 2013

I have veered off of my usual LGBT blog topics in the last blog and now in the one I am about to write. It is not my intention, yet, I need to write. Writing helps me organize my thoughts and feelings and I usually come away with a new perspective that didn’t seem to come together prior to writing it all down, so to speak. To my LGBT friends and Allies, thank you for your patience.

I truly have been in a crisis of faith the past few months. I think this actually all really started a few years back. When I realized that what I had been taught about gay people all of my life was false. I became angry. I think I have been angry until just a few months ago. Life is a process and I think anger was the beginning of this crisis of faith. I think it was easy to just blame those who taught me those things rather than to get really reflective about myself. Over the past year I have begun to realize that I can’t just blame them. Sure, they taught me incorrect things, but I chose to just walk blindly and not question what I was taught. Of course then the argument comes up that in certain types of churches we are told our faith is not strong enough if we question things. The definition of faith is walking without knowing what is ahead after all. So, be faithful and blindly march on. I was told that, but I am smart. I could have cared enough to think more for myself, but I guess maybe I was too lazy. It was easy when I was surrounded by others who thought exactly as I did. That confirmed that we were doing the right thing after all, right? Actually, I think this is the very example of the blind leading the blind. And at this point in my life I want no more of it.

So, back to my crisis of faith. I began to wonder, if what I was taught about gay people was so far from the mark of truth, what else do I believe that could possibly be off the mark? I began to question EVERYthing – I even began to wonder if there is a God and does He even hear me when I talk to Him? So, I began to do exactly what I was told would send me straight to hell as a kid – I began to test God. I really could not care less if you judge me for this. This is MY journey and quite frankly it is between God and I and has nothing to do with you or your opinions. What I found was time after time after time, in little and a few large things, God came through. I can now say without a doubt in my mind that my God hears me when I talk to Him/Her. I now realize that God isn’t wrapped up in all the silly rules that people create by picking one bible verse out to support their legalities. Test God – go ahead – I dare you – He is big enough to handle it. I promise.

I recently began reading a book that my daughter recommended to me. “How to get the love that you want”. I am about to start chapter 2. It is about how we chose our partners based on our parents. I have been about to start chapter 2 for 2 weeks. I just haven’t been able to make myself read it. I sometimes revert back to that blind drone who thinks it would be easier just to walk blindly than to find out what I thought was true actually isn’t. Over the past two weeks I had actually convinced myself somehow that reading that chapter will change how I feel about my husband. You should probably know that after 27 years of being together, I am madly, passionately, deeply in love with that man. This is how silly I can be about knowledge. I somehow had started to believe that I would read that chapter and things would change. I would find out that I am not in love with him at all, that somehow  I would discover that I am just a co-dependent nut case. I finally got brave enough to talk to my hubby about it last night. He laughed and said, “Michele, you know that knowledge is power. It can only make things better if you do discover some things about yourself.” He is a smart man. I will start chapter 2 today.

I have also found lots of other things I took for granted and thought to be true that were not. I don’t know if it is because I was in Texas or because I was in a very conservative evangelical church, or both, or neither, but I thought  Democrats were evil and Republicans had a straight shot to God’s throne. I now know that God is not a Democrat or a Republican. I have learned that there are Christians who are Pro life and also Christians who are Pro choice and it is not my job to worry about it. I only have to answer for myself. I can also be a Christian and believe in science!!! I was taught that scientist spent all of their time trying to prove how God is insignificant. Good grief, it makes me laugh now. I think this is the one thing that makes me feel the silliest, that I argued against actual scientific truths as if it lessened my God. God is certainly bigger than that. I just have to look at all of the things in nature that work that shouldn’t work to realize science is God’s middle name.

Finally, I have so much regret for my twisted love. Yes, I really and truly believed that it was my job to correct and coerce those I loved to my way of thinking. I thought I was “saving their souls” with my opinions and judgment. Oh how I wish I could go to each of them and beg forgiveness. You have no idea how many nights I cried about people I loved and their souls because they accepted someone who was gay, or because they believed in evolution, or chose not to attend church. Who the hell did I think I was? I will tell you – I thought was a direct messenger from God almighty and I might be the only person capable of reaching their poor lost soul. How prideful and arrogant I was. I can not go to each of them, but I will be writing a letter today to someone. I also need to say here, publicly, that I am sorry to my sister-in-law for throwing her into that youth sunday school class when she was 15  years old and walking away. I know I have apologized several times, but I really am truly sorry. Such an embarrassing age anyway. Geez I was an idiot. On the flip side, I do hope that Sunday we sat in church and that guest preacher said, “The devil is a dildo” right from the pulpit in some way lessened that blow. I really wish you could have been at church with us the Easter Sunday the preacher was talking about a car wreck. He was talking about a Volvo that was in an accident, only he didn’t say Volvo, he said Vulva. “and the Vulva just continued to get rammed over and over from the rear.” Yes – that was one of my favorite moments in all the years I have attended church. Who says that preachers are infallible and that God doesn’t have a sense of humor? I bet He was laughing too.