A Hard Promise to Keep

I woke up this morning after very little sleep and realized I had that feeling again. The feeling of wanting to just stick my head in the sand and pretend today wasn’t here. I immediately wished with all of my heart that it was last week and I was once again surrounded by the beauty of Yellowstone National Park in the winter. Surrounded by peace, and quiet – no civilization, no cell service, just beauty and the feeling that all is well in the world. Then I realized that isn’t reality, nor is it really where I want to be at all. Today will be a hard day, but it is also a blessing.

I will never forget the feeling of looking into all three of my babies faces for the first time. It is not really something one can put into words. I looked down into each of those beautiful faces in awe. I silently made a promise. I don’t really know if I was promising them or just promising myself, but I promised to protect them. I promised to be their buffer in the world. I guess it came down to the fact that I knew pain and I didn’t want them to have to feel it – ever. I think this is one reason that when my son came out it was hard for me. I knew this would be a reason for some people to target him, judge him, ridicule him.

It wasn’t too long before the promise became hard to keep. Illness and hospitalizations, a kid in the nursery bonks them over the head with a block, they begin to experience pain. I should have given up the promise then and come up with another way of seeing it, but I was blind to the bondage I was putting myself in. I now have two grown children and another who is halfway grown and I am just now wising up! Sometimes I am a slow learner.

My job was never to keep them from experiencing pain. All that did was make me feel like a bad mom, riddled with guilt. My job was to give them tools and resources  and ways to deal with the blows that come. Today is going to be a hard day for one of my kids. Today we will walk through something that none of us expected or have experienced. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it in the end. You see, it isn’t my life, it is my child’s life. They get to call the shots. It was also never my job to make their decisions for them or to control what they did. I should have learned that lesson a lot sooner as well. That would have helped me and them as well. I should have never been trying to control things, I should have just been giving tools and resources and letting them do the rest. That is called living and learning and it prepares us a whole heck of a lot more for life than having everything done for us. This also helps the transition in accepting a LGBT child. I laugh when I look back and think of the way I had created some scenario for how my kid’s lives would turn out – like that was EVER up to me anyway! I have my own life to live – this one is theirs.

To be honest, I do wish I could have protected my child from the pain that has led up to today. Because the truth is, when they hurt, we hurt. I must come to grips with the fact that I could not protect them. I had no way of knowing, none of us did. It is back to this simple equation: it is not my life to live, but theirs. I can just hope that I have given enough tools and resources and must let it go. I can not live their lives – they must do that.

My job now is to come and stand beside them in the joy and in the pain. I no longer have the role of provider and guardian. It can be very freeing for all of us really if we transition. The relationship changes, but that isn’t a bad thing. It can be a very good thing. It will never be OK with me to see my children hurting, but I know that it is called living. And they are all three doing a damn good job of it and I am one proud Mama!

Rest In Peace

Today we celebrate a champion. She never won an Olympic Gold Metal and most people wouldn’t even recognize her name. She is a champion none the less. Jeanne Manford was a mom. I will be the first to admit that moms are not perfect, but with the exception of a few crazies out there, moms are unique in the love that they give their children. Just get in between a Mama grizzly bear and her cubs if you want an example, although you would probably not live to tell that tale. Moms love their kids like no one else. Jeanne was this kind of mom. In 1972 Jeanne found out that her son, Morty,  had been beaten at a Hilton Hotel in New York City. Morty was gay. People stood by as he was beaten, including New York City Police officers.

Let’s be honest, in 1972 people still thought that if someone “chose” to be gay that they deserved whatever they got. Unfortunately, there are still ignorant people today who think the same way. On the good side, there are far fewer of them and they are decreasing all of the time. This change is brought about by heroes and champions like Jeanne Manford. Jeanne had never been an activist of any sort prior to this event. I can SO identify with that. If someone would have told me that one day I would be championing for a cause, ANY cause, I would have just laughed. It is that love of a mother thing that will get you every time!

So, after Morty recovered Jeanne started what is now PFLAG. It started with about 20 people and has now spread all over the country and even other parts of the world. If you are going to bet against something – probably don’t bet against a mother’s love. We moms are tough old birds when it comes to our kids. We will do things for them that we wouldn’t do for ourselves.

Jeanne sadly passed away this past week, but she will never really “die”. Her legacy will live on in parents around the world who rally with their kids. Not just LGBT parents, but all parents who begin to fight for what they feel will make this world a better place for all of our children. Making this world a better place is a group effort and it will take all of us. Let’s get to work!

Here are Jeanne and Morty in a New York City parade! Thank you Jeanne for standing up and showing us the way to show the world that we love our children unconditionally!

Gay Dad Project

Have you seen this? Gay Dad Project

You will enjoy it!! A friend of mine’s daughter is heading it up. If you scroll down to the 2nd story – that is my friend, Pete. It breaks my heart that the discrimination continues today. He is right, it is from the two places all of us should be able to lean on – family and the church. Heartbreaking!!

Parents

Being a parent is not easy task… I once heard a comedian say “If it was going to be easy, it wouldn’t start with something called labor!” I have learned so much from my kids though, more than I probably actually taught them. I have had to deal with my own “stuff” in order to put them first and be the best parent I could be, which to be honest, was quite lacking at times. There are no perfect parents – and those who think they are, are probably far worse than the rest of us!

My friend, who is a therapist, told me once that if a couple comes into her office and claim that they never fight then she knows she will really have A LOT of work to do with them. It is normal to have conflict in relationships, even healthy. If there is no conflict, then one of the people in the relationship is not using their voice. I think from this perspective that it is ok if a parent struggles with their kid’s coming out. I mean one thing we tend to forget is that by the time a child comes out to their parents, they themselves have already had a lot of processing time. I would like to think that most parents come around, even if it takes a bit of time. I know there are sad exceptions to this rule, but it is true for most of us. We just need a bit of information and someone to tell us things like “get your head out of the gutter and quit thinking of sex!” and we will remember that this is OUR child. The one we fell madly in love with the day we first laid eyes on them.

Love will usually win in the end, even if fear tries to push it aside, and maybe fear wins for a while. Fear may win the battle, but Love will usually win the war. We are in this for the long haul, the marathon – so ignore your sprint time. I will forgive myself for crying for two weeks when my son came out. I am now running the marathon and I don’t have time to beat myself up about my 1st split time. Want to run with me?

Another Step for Equality

Right this very minute it is midnight in Maine. Right this very minute couples are getting ready to be married – Same Sex couples no less. It gives me chills. This next Tuesday the new law goes into effect in Maryland as well. 1/5th of our states now recognize marriage for ALL couples – that is 10 out of 50 states. It is very exciting indeed.

I hate to always harp on the same thing – but I often find myself going back mentally to how far I have come in my beliefs of equality. I used to be such a bigot. I never considered it a Civil rights issue – only a moral one. I felt these people were disobeying God himself – so why should they receive the privilege of marriage. It should be upheld for those of us who were obeying the heavenly Father and living a moral life. What a farce – it is just still so embarrassing to me that I thought that way. So, prideful and high and mighty – considering myself so much more moral simply because I was born straight. I know I have apologized – but I must do it just one more time. I want to apologize for all of the people who have hurt you – openly and behind your back. All of the people who have considered themselves closer to God – more in sync with Him – simply because of who you love.

I feel like I want to write the exact words that would get the religious right’s attention. I feel a burden to do so. Yet, I know realistically that until they are ready within themselves to receive the truth, my words are not going to matter. I will put my energy into something that can be useful. I will hug the brokenhearted, I will be an adopted parent to those who are parentless, I will love as much as I can and continue to speak up and share my story with any who want to hear it.

I will rejoice – rejoice right now with the couples who have been waiting many years for the chance to publicly embrace the one they love. People who have paid taxes just like all of the straight citizens have all of their adult lives now have a civil right that the rest of us have taken for granted. It is a thing to rejoice and be happy about. One day at a time, one state at a time, one couple at a time.

Marriage Equality

I am sure you know that marriage equality was passed in several states in November. These all have different dates that they come into play. For Washington State, it was this past weekend. Many places staffed their courthouses beginning at midnight. Couples lined up for hours to get their licenses. The images and stories were so touching. The picture that stuck with me the most was of a Sunday morning service at Seattle’s First Baptist Church. Twenty five same-sex couples were wed that morning.

As a Christian who is for Marriage Equality, it often feels it is an uphill battle and that we are a voice that isn’t heard over all of the louder, more prevalent voices in the Faith communities. It can feel discouraging. I think sometimes when you are in the middle of the fight, it is hard to have a good perspective of the big picture. I meet people of faith all the time with a similar story to mine. A story of transition and change for the better. I truly believe that we will see the day that marriage equality is accepted nationwide. I feel so hopeful for what the future holds!!!

 

Missions

I may be weird – but I do feel like I get called on “missions”. Not really the “Mission Impossible” exciting kind of missions – but things that just seem to seep into my very being and won’t let me go until I do something about it.

I feel strongly about speaking out as a mom of a bisexual kid – but I also feel compelled through our PFLAG Bozeman/GV work. I have been doing those things for a while now and still find them very energy giving, but I have recently been called in a different direction. I have blogged before about my grief over how Christians treat LGBT people, being a Christian myself. I often even find myself hesitant to speak out and say I am a Christian – I generally say “I am a follower of Christ” or “I am a progressive Christian”. I really feel strongly that there is so much misinformation and confusion out there in our churches about the LGBT community. Most Christians do not even realize that Jesus said nothing about homosexuality, I didn’t for most of my life. I want to be a part of the change. I see it starting to happen, in many denominations and it is exciting. We need more people to hear the truth. I want to stand in that gap between the truth about LGBT people and the church.

So, I have been feeling this way for a while now, but wasn’t really sure how to go about it or where to start. I have opened up the conversation and will be doing some PFLAG Faith work  at my own church – but my vision is bigger than that. Well, just as God sent Aaron to Moses – He has sent me a cohort!! A woman who found my blog in internet land – and we live in the same town! Coincidence? I think not! She has the same vision. Our stories are similar – she is even from Texas! Could it be that God put us both right here in this town, right now at this time to begin the work He wants to do here?

I am super excited and honored and scared, but mostly excited! We had a face to face meeting recently, she asked me to coffee, me not having a clue why – and what a wonderful surprise it all turned out to be. I do not even know if she really knew why she asked me, just that she knew we needed to get together. When we were finished and putting on our coats it was all just really starting to sink in. I asked her, “are you and an organized, detailed person by chance?” She replied, “Yes!” See – God does send us exactly what we need when we need it, because those are big weaknesses of mine! OH MY – you should pray for my new friend, because I am probably going to drive her batty with my lack of attention to details. Even still, somehow I feel we will make an amazing team! This town may not know what has hit them!

Love

I wish I had something profound or fabulous to write about today. I wish I could gather up that feeling deep inside me and put it into words. I wish I could convey to you the feeling of talking to someone who has been rejected by their family and friends when they came out to them. The pain and hurt in their eyes. The confusion that their parents would spend their whole lives teaching them to love God and others and then to reject them whole heartedly. Or even the pain when someone tells you they have hidden who they actually are for their entire life because they couldn’t face who they were themselves, much less come out to anyone else.

All because of who they love. Since putting words around it all is impossible – I can just hope and pray that everyone will one day be able to experience it themselves – then hearts would be softened and people would listen to others and actually hear them. Then hopefully the hurting and judgement will stop – because once you have seen and felt another’s pain for yourself – then you can never go back to the way you were before.

Things I have learned from LGBT friends and family

As a straight person, I have learned a lot from LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) people. Probably the most important thing I have learned is that it is OK to not know all the right words or terminology. I used to be afraid, and still am at times, that I will say something offensive. I can honestly say that even speaking the word “lesbian” felt awkward and uncomfortable for me at first. It is now a normal part of speech around our house, but it never used to be.

As a straight person who had never been around or interacted with LGBT people – I sometimes feel as if I have entered a different universe. The truth is – they are not much different from the rest of us in every area – except who they love. There really is not some big chasm between all of us – at the root of it all, we are all just people doing the best we can with the hand we have been dealt. So, if you wonder something 0r want to know  something – Just ask!! They would much be asked than us just make our own assumptions.

I have learned quite a bit about myself – that I have a lot of insecurities and things that I see as flaws that I try to cover up or hide – that others find just fine in me. Much like a LGBT person being accepted for exactly who they are at this moment – that is what I want too. I am far from perfect, I take things too personally, I overreact sometimes, I have a temper and say nasty things, I judge people by outward appearances. All of these stem from experiences of feeling rejected and feeling like I wasn’t good enough at different times in my past. We all have our traumas and negative life experiences to work through and heal from. The beginning of this healing has to start with us accepting ourselves, that doesn’t mean we just make excuses and stay stuck – but it does mean we forgive ourselves when we mess up and try to learn from it.

I have seen so many friends struggle with accepting their sexuality and accepting who they are. I have heard so many talk about all the years they prayed that God would take their same-sex attractions away and make them straight. There are enough horror stories out there about all the of “pray away the gay” programs that we all know they are a farce. One’s sexuality is inherent and who they are – it can not be “cured”. It is amazing to watch a person blossom once they begin to accept who they are and love themselves anyway. The healing begins and they begin to grow into the beautiful person they are designed to be.

I think that is what we all need – to love ourselves, no matter our sexual orientation or what our past traumas or issues are. We can forgive those who have hurt us, not for their sake, but for ours, quit beating ourselves up and trying to fit the molds that society is trying to put us in, and begin to love ourselves right now today! Let the healing begin and we can begin to grow into the lovely people who are lurking inside just waiting to be shown to the world.

You are beautiful – right now today – gay or straight, fat or thin, old or young – our beauty is what is deep inside of us and spills out onto the rest of the world. Let’s start letting beauty and acceptance of ourselves and others overflow all over the world. It will change us and those around us – we should being right now!

Dogs

This morning as I watched our dogs greet us I was overcome with the joy they were showing. I can’t help but wonder what the world would be like if we all loved as unconditionally and were as forgiving as our dogs.

Wouldn’t it be a beautiful place to be?